So far I have fallen exceedingly short of my goal of blogging weekly which I set, ambitiously, as a New Year’s resolution. Have not lost 50 pounds either. Been up and down with that. Recently got back to the morning exercise routine and am pushing forward, adding more exercise time and dedication to this effort. But writing is an outlet for me to let go of the demons within, to draw out my darkness, my insecurity and figure out why I do the things I do. So why not commit to it? Why still in a way punishing myself….or at least not rewarding myself with healing? Why shut myself off from self-realization that I so highly tout to others? I am constantly telling my kid to write about what he feels since he is not prone to talk about it. How hypocritical of me. When was the last time I sat down and just really thought about how do I feel? Because right now I can tell you I am tired. I am not pleased with myself and the situation I have gotten myself into. I believed someone who I know to be a pathological liar. One who does not ever tell the whole truth at any given time. Why believe? Because it was what I wanted to hear. I led myself to the slaughter on that one. A pair of lips will say anything. It is our actions which define us. And I closed my eyes to that reality.
This is not a new pattern for me. For years in my addiction I believed those around me who placated me so they could use and manipulate me to their whims. I know I did the same thing to family and friends. Today I live an honest life. I still don’t expect people to lie to me. I believe what comes out of those lying lips. My new goal is to figure out when I am being told the truth and when I am being lied to. Honestly, that is not even it. Looking back I knew it wasn’t true. Just as I knew in my addiction that I was being played or that I was playing someone. My prayer is for discernment. To listen for the truth behind the words, to watch someone’s actions before believing . I made a decision a long time ago to not become a hardened person, always assuming the worst of people. But how long can I continue to believe in the best when reality is slapping me across the face?
The person I must be true to is myself. Listen to the voice, the spirit inside me and follow it. This brain of mine runs on self will too often, on what it seeks to hear…which is really just an ego trip saying ” Ha! I was right!” To think something through before I act, to really look at it from all sides and determine…is this real? That is my resolution for the day. It will take practice to master. But I am in for the long haul. Fixing me is my only reality today. That is real and that will be my guiding compass.
It seems as if every time I post I am going on about my lack of motivation. And it is true once again. This seems to be the one area that I fail at repeatedly, the desire to get up and get fit. I lost 4 pounds recently just by eating less and healthier. Without really trying. Is that motivating? Somewhat. My mind wonders…what if I actually committed to it? How quickly would I get results and how awesome would I feel? Because I love the feeling after I work out…love the calorie counter that shows me I just burned 300 calories in 30 minutes…and if I kept going? How much then?
I watched “Extreme Weight Loss” tonight and saw a woman who weighed 292 pounds give it her all…and the hard work paid off. In 1 year she lost 130 lbs. I don’t have that much to lose… 50 lbs is what I need to lose…60 if I am really ambitious and want to get back to pre-children weight. I have lost 16 lbs in the past 2 years by just moving around more and not eating those huge meals I ate while married to my ex. And my kids…they need to get moving around more…lose those bellies and switch to fruit from ice cream so they can continue to make healthy choices into adulthood. Not look back at 44 and start there. Live a healthy life, in the sun, really living…not just existing. This is what I want for my family. For me.
I keep crying out to everyone…help me…get me motivated…but until I decide that being fit and healthy is what I want more than the comfort of sitting on my couch…then nothing will change. Been making some changes lately, getting out of my comfort zone…changed my hair color, cut some bangs, got some bright colorful clothes. Those 4 pounds made a difference…and I want to be the woman who people say..”Wow I can’t believe that was you!” I know there is a thin cute face under this chubby chin….I can see the beginnings of my shape coming back….and I want more. For all of us.
“So I am actually doing it. Not full throttle yet but something every day…and I have committed this week to working out every day and keeping my food diary on MyFitnessPal. I really like how it tells me what I will weigh in 5 weeks if I eat as I’ve done that day. Not that I have been that every day but still it is a motivator and I am always in search of one of those. And for Mother’s Day I was given an XBox Kinect with Zumba. I love the Zumba. It kicks my ass but I love shaking my booty like I have one. Of all my chubby spots my posterior is not one of them. My daughter calls mine a pancake. And she is not far off. Hopefully the Zumba and some serious lunges can get me some sort of decent rump. Something…please. I do seem to recall having a bit of one back in high school, one that looked darn good in a pair of Rocky Mountain jeans…
And also behind me is living outside the realm of reality and acceptance. My mind is amazing at creating scenarios that just aren’t there, at equating sex with love and attention with affection. I listened more with my heart than with my brain and my ears. And I have suffered the consequences (tears, heart torn apart, pathetic pity parties) for so long that I have finally learned my lesson and will no longer be anyone’s second or third choice. I will no longer be a back up plan when I know I can be someone’s sun, someone’s everything. Or not quite frankly. My happiness does not depend on the whims of another and I am stretching this new skin of self-acceptance, of self-esteem. Each lesson strengthens me, does not bring me down. I know that I will not break, that pain will pass. Every storm runs out of rain. And the storm which raged the longest was the one within, the hurricane of self-defeating behavior. I was out to get me for so long, most of my life really. Taking care of me, doing what is best for me whether I really like it or not, is new. I have to fight my first reaction sometimes because that storm inside me still rages. It may not be trying to kill me so obviously with drugs & alcohol, but the lightning still strikes when unexpected and I know there is more work to do to get to serenity. But the stormy days are seriously numbered.
Self-confident, making steady and consistent changes inside and out….who me? Well this must be what growing up is all about.
Gary Allan “Every Storm (Runs Outta Rain)“
It is not even wrong, where have I lost the spark that I had to get off my ass and get moving? I hate that I am sitting here again about to post about not taking care of myself once again. I haven’t been eating terribly unhealthy but I have not exercised in quite a while. I did go walking once last week but that is it all month long. Seriously. And I just got the damn gym membership but have not used it. I am disappointed in myself again. But I want to get out of the problem and into the solution. But I have yet to figure out what that is. What will keep me dedicated to an active way of life?
The financial motivator did not work. We are still in the “who will lose the most weight” competition at work. But I am over it since I know I won’t win. Still have 6 weeks to go so I really should give it a go again. I could at least lose 10 lbs. That would be great. Not my goal of 22 but not shabby either. I set a goal for the year to lose 50 lbs. We are over 1/3 of the way in and all I’ve done is go back and forth with the same 2 lbs.
What were my other reasons? To be healthier and not feel like my heart is beating overtime in my chest after I eat. That is scary but it happens. My body is telling me when I am eating the wrong things. It reacts. Doesn’t happen when I eat a salad. So again I know I am emotionally eating which is not good. Yet I know the food is not so much the issue now It is the lack of movement. I am not happy this way. I am over this think called a double chin. Maybe I need to get angry with the fat, pissed that I am missing out on life and people and doing things because I am embarrassed to squeeze into clothes, or that clothes I want I can’t fit into. This fat is my enemy, trapping me in a life I no longer want to cling to , to curt up in and hide. I am settling for a lesser version of myself and that is not acceptable today.
So tonight I do the abs. Tomorrow back to the gym. Keep on moving or I will get stuck. And that is not gonna happen. I refuse to die like this. And I refuse to live like this too.
Finally dragged my fat ass to the gym today. Did the cross train/step machine for 28 minutes, burned 220 calories and thought I was going to fall out. Now, I have been walking about 3 miles a couple times a week, and doing my “You on a Diet” workout some mornings but this was really working out. Broke a small sweat but felt great once I actually did it. And I’m up for it again tomorrow. My friend, ex-boyfriend whose role in my life is hard to define, offered to take me and who I never thought he would be the one to get me motivated to just do it. But he rejoined the gym and as soon as I heard that my competitive nature kicked in. No way was I going to let him lose weight and not me.
I’d been in a funk lately, too much in my head, missed a few commitments and my disease kicked in, telling me I was fat and ugly and not worth the effort it took to look better. It amazes me that I can so easily forget that I need daily maintenance to stay sane. I have to continually get out of me and into service, into helping others so I can get a reality check about what is really going on. When I start to isolate,or miss a meeting here and there, don’t reach out and call others when I am going through life lessons, then my addict brain starts to think it can creep back up on me. Not so much about using but about what got me to use to begin with: self-doubt, lack of confidence,self-hatred and that spiral of self-destruction. Even something as small as not brushing my teeth at night can start that fissure which separates me from me. My meeting last night was a great dose of recovery, a wake up that reminded me that no matter what I try to tell myself, I am alright. I just have to do the next right thing and not listen to my first thought, because it is usually out to get me.
So this week I am keeping all commitments, even reached out and took on some more. I am stoked about working out, finally. Grateful to have friends who are there with me. Grateful to remember that I am not in this alone.
Lost a pound, probably could have been more if I would just quit eating so damn much when I am home alone. I eat either a 230 calorie bacon and egg taco with salsa for breakfast and then an Atkins meal replacement bar with a low-fat, low-carb yogurt for lunch then I come home and start with something decent and low-carb but somehow I can’t just eat one thing. So now what? Think that I will put a picture of myself in bra and undies on the fridge and the food shelves so I will think twice before eating. I would love to be one of those people who think of food a just a source of nourishment, to fuel my body in its quest for fitness. Maybe do some research on that? I know that I am able to change my thinking, change me in other areas of life. If I can learn to not dull my feelings with drugs and alcohol then surely I can learn to not covet food.
All of my recent acting out has been with food. I am not happy with certain areas of my life, similar situations that in the past would cause me to use, and am responding not by getting high , but by turning to food and abusing it. I am working so hard to change my physical body, to get in shape yet I am also negating any exercise that I am doing with this self-indulgence. Which once again gets to the core of the problem which is me and what I can do to get out of the problem and into the solution. I have to change my perspective on these situations, see them as temporary and know that this too shall pass. I can refocus on exercise, working my program. Possibly this has been a way for me to avoid doing my 4th step. Get all caught up in something else right when I am about to take it to the next level in my recovery and get rid of some of the crap that I am still lugging around? ME do that? Well I’ll be damned. Avoidance. Yep this all seems so familiar of a pattern to me that I know I am onto something. Those drugs were always just a symptom of the real problem: me and this messed up brain of mine.
I love myself enough today to at least have realized that this self-sabotage is not working. And I want more for me today, want to be the best me ever and that includes being healthy physically, mentally and spiritually. Perhaps I should focus more on the step work and less time stepping into the kitchen. Still gonna take those before pictures though, just to show me how I looked now and for motivation to not eat. Because I am going to look great, with some work. Don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great!!
Today I found a link that listed ”10 Ugly Celebrities” and clicked on it because it contained an extremely unflattering shot of my former arch enemy Melanie Griffith. Yes, you see I once was certain that she was just a fling and Antonio Banderas would one day be mine. Yet today I somehow found that list to be cruel. I certainly never thought her ugly and think it was overly insensitive to even say so. Most of the people on the list were just interesting, not ugly. I think my perception of life, of beauty has changed as I’ve aged. I don’t think I was ever prone to only be attracted to the most beautiful people, perhaps having learned at an early age that they can be cruel, and cruelty is very unattractive. Although it is cliche, beauty does come from within. A kind, compassionate soul is much more alluring than grandiosity and self-adoration.
There are times when I have felt ugliness within me and I know it was reflected in my face, my bearing, my eyes, me. And I am so grateful that I don’t live in that space any more. That I am quick to taste that defect of character and spit it out. I am able to see beauty, to see love and light in all things. I recognize each of us as a living part of God’s world and know that were we all to be an idealized, so-called perfect man or woman, how dull this world would seem. It is our character, our outward wearing of what live has given us that makes us interesting. Yes, classic beauty is wonderful to see, to gaze upon, perhaps to envy a bit. However, when I see the light shining from within, kindness and compassion pouring out, only then do I want that for myself.
My own struggles to get back into better physical shape do stem on some level from a desire to be more attractive, to get looks from attractive men and acceptance from thinner women. Yet more than that I want to be healthy, I want to love and respect myself and living life in a sedentary state is not reflective of the growth I am experiencing within. So I committed to exercising every day for Lent, and I believe I can carry that forward as a commitment to me. It is time to start letting my light shine all around, and maybe someone will see me shine and want more of me…