What is behind me

“So I am actually doing it.  Not full throttle yet but something every day…and I have committed this week to working out every day and keeping my food diary on MyFitnessPal.  I really like how it tells me what I will weigh in 5 weeks if I eat as I’ve done that day.  Not that I have been  that every day but still it is a motivator and I am always in search of one of those.   And for Mother’s Day I was given an XBox Kinect with Zumba.  I love the Zumba.  It kicks my ass but I love shaking my booty like I have one.  Of all my chubby spots my posterior is not one of them.  My daughter calls mine a pancake.  And she is not far off.  Hopefully the Zumba and some serious lunges can get me some sort of decent rump.  Something…please.  I do seem to recall having a bit of one back in high school, one that looked darn good in a pair of Rocky Mountain jeans…

And also behind me is living outside the realm of reality and acceptance.  My mind is amazing at creating scenarios that just aren’t there, at equating sex with love and attention with affection.  I listened more with my heart than with my brain and my ears.  And I have suffered the consequences (tears, heart torn apart, pathetic pity parties) for so long that I have finally learned my lesson and will no longer be anyone’s second or third choice.  I will no longer be a back up plan when I know I can be  someone’s sun, someone’s everything.  Or not quite frankly.  My happiness does not depend on the whims of another and I am stretching this new skin of self-acceptance, of self-esteem.   Each lesson strengthens me, does not bring me down. I know that I will not break, that pain will pass. Every storm runs out of rain.  And the storm which raged the longest was the one within, the hurricane of self-defeating behavior.  I was out to get me for so long, most of my life really.  Taking care of me, doing what is best for me whether I really like it or not, is new.  I have to fight my first reaction sometimes because that storm inside me still rages.  It may not be trying to kill me so obviously with drugs & alcohol, but the lightning still strikes when unexpected and I know there is more work to do to get to serenity.  But the stormy days are seriously numbered.

Self-confident, making steady and consistent changes inside and out….who me?  Well this must be what growing up is all about.

 

Gary Allan “Every Storm (Runs Outta Rain)“

Where have I gone wrong?

It is not even wrong, where have I lost the spark that I had to get off my ass and get moving?  I hate that I am sitting here again about to post about not taking care of myself once again.  I haven’t been eating terribly unhealthy but I have not exercised in quite a while.  I did go walking once last week but that is it all month long.  Seriously.  And I just got the damn gym membership but have not used it.  I am disappointed in myself again.  But I want to get out of the problem and into the solution.  But I have yet to figure out what that is.  What will keep me dedicated to an active way of life?

The financial motivator did not work.  We are still in the “who will lose the most weight” competition at work.  But I am over it since I know I won’t win.  Still have 6 weeks to go so I really should give it a go again.  I could at least lose 10 lbs.  That would be great.  Not my goal of 22 but not shabby either.  I set a goal for the year to lose 50 lbs.  We are over 1/3 of the way in and all I’ve done is go back and forth with the same 2 lbs.

What were my other reasons?  To be healthier and not feel like my heart is beating overtime in my chest after I eat.  That is scary but it happens. My body is telling me when I am eating the wrong things.  It reacts.  Doesn’t happen when I eat a salad.  So again I know I am emotionally eating which is not good.  Yet I know the food is not so much the issue now  It is the lack of movement.  I am not happy this way.  I am over this think called a double chin.  Maybe I need to get angry with the fat, pissed that I am missing out on life and people and doing things because I am embarrassed to squeeze into clothes, or that clothes I want I can’t fit into.  This fat is my enemy, trapping me in a life I no longer want to cling to , to curt up  in and hide.  I am settling for a lesser version of myself and that is not acceptable today.

So tonight I do the abs.  Tomorrow back to the gym.  Keep on moving or I will get stuck.  And that is not gonna happen.  I refuse to die like this.  And I refuse to live like this too.

Let’s do this

Finally dragged my fat ass to the gym today.  Did the cross train/step machine for 28 minutes, burned 220 calories and thought I was going to fall out. Now,  I have been walking about 3 miles a couple times a week, and doing my “You on a Diet” workout some mornings but this was really working out.   Broke a small sweat but felt great once I actually did it.  And I’m up for it again tomorrow.  My friend, ex-boyfriend whose role in my life is hard to define,  offered to take me and who I never thought he would be the one to get me motivated to just do it.  But he rejoined the gym and as soon as I heard that my competitive nature kicked in.  No way was I going to let him lose weight and not me.

I’d been in a funk lately, too much in my head, missed a few commitments and my disease kicked in, telling me I was fat and ugly and not worth the effort it took to look better.  It amazes me that I can so easily forget that I need daily maintenance to stay sane.  I have to continually get out of me and into service, into helping others so I can get a reality check about what is really going on.  When I start to isolate,or miss a meeting here and there, don’t reach out and call others when I am going through life lessons, then my addict brain starts to think it can creep back up on me. Not so much about using but about what got me to use to begin with: self-doubt, lack of confidence,self-hatred and that spiral of self-destruction.   Even something as small as not brushing my teeth at night can start that fissure which separates me from me.  My meeting last night was a great dose of recovery, a wake up that reminded me that no matter what I try to tell myself, I am alright.  I just have to do the next right thing and not listen to my first thought, because it is usually out to get me.

So this week I am keeping all commitments, even reached out and took on some more.  I am stoked about working out, finally.  Grateful to have friends who are there with me.  Grateful to remember that I am not in this alone.

Self-sabotage

Lost a pound,  probably could have been more if I would just quit eating so damn much when I am home alone.  I eat either a 230 calorie bacon and egg taco with salsa for breakfast and then an Atkins meal replacement bar with a low-fat, low-carb yogurt for lunch then I come home and start with something decent and low-carb but somehow I can’t just eat one thing.  So now what?  Think that I will put a picture of myself in bra and undies on the fridge and the food shelves so I will think twice before eating.   I would love to be one of those people who think of food a just a source of nourishment, to fuel my body in its quest for fitness.  Maybe do some research on that?  I know that I am able to change my thinking, change me in other areas of life.  If I can learn to not dull my feelings with drugs and alcohol  then surely I can learn to not covet food.

All of my recent acting out has been with food.  I am not happy with certain areas of my life, similar situations that in the past would cause me to use,  and am responding not by getting high ,  but by turning to food and abusing it.   I am working so hard to change my physical body, to get in shape yet I am also negating any exercise that I am doing with this self-indulgence.   Which once again gets to the core of the problem which is me and what I can do to get out of the problem and into the solution.  I have to change my perspective on these situations, see them as temporary and know that this too shall pass.  I can refocus on exercise, working my program.  Possibly this has been a way for me to avoid doing my 4th step.  Get all caught up in something else right when I am about to take it to the next level in my recovery and get rid of some of the crap that I am still lugging around? ME do that? Well I’ll be damned.  Avoidance.  Yep this all seems so familiar of a pattern to me that I know I am onto something.  Those drugs were always just a symptom of the real problem: me and this messed up brain of mine.

I love myself enough today to at least have realized that this self-sabotage is not working.  And I want more for me today, want to be the best me ever and that includes being healthy physically, mentally and spiritually.  Perhaps I should focus more on the step work and less time stepping into the kitchen.  Still gonna take those before pictures though, just to show me how I looked now and for motivation to not eat. Because I am going to look great, with some work.  Don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great!!

Beauty is not skin deep

Today I found a link that listed  ”10 Ugly Celebrities” and clicked on it because it contained an extremely unflattering shot of my former arch enemy Melanie Griffith.  Yes, you see I once was certain that she was just a fling and Antonio Banderas would one day be mine.  Yet today I somehow found that list to be cruel.  I certainly never thought her ugly and think it was overly insensitive to even say so.  Most of the people on the list were just interesting, not ugly.  I think my perception of life, of beauty has changed as I’ve aged.  I don’t think I was ever prone to only be attracted to the most beautiful people, perhaps having learned at an early age that they can be cruel, and cruelty is very unattractive.  Although it is cliche,  beauty does come from within.  A kind, compassionate soul is much more alluring than grandiosity and self-adoration.

There are times when I have felt ugliness within me and I know it was reflected in my face, my bearing, my eyes, me.  And I am so grateful that I don’t live in that space any more.  That I am quick to taste that defect of character and spit it out.  I am able to see beauty, to see love and light in all things.  I recognize each of us as a living part of God’s world and know that were we all to be an idealized, so-called perfect man or woman, how dull this world would seem.  It is our character, our outward wearing of what live has given us that makes us interesting.  Yes, classic beauty is wonderful to see, to gaze upon, perhaps to envy a bit.  However, when I see the light shining from within, kindness and compassion pouring out, only then do I want that for myself.

My own struggles to get back into better physical shape do stem on some level from a desire to be more attractive, to get looks from attractive men and acceptance from thinner women.  Yet more than that I want to be healthy, I want to love and respect myself and living life in a sedentary state is not reflective of the growth I am experiencing within.  So I committed to exercising every day for Lent, and I believe I can carry that forward as a commitment to me.  It is time to start letting my light shine all around, and maybe someone will see me shine and want more of me…

 

Just in a rut

So there are things in life which are not exactly pleasing to me at the moment.  The job which I had such high hopes for has suddenly dropped  the commission/bonus plan which basically cut my paycheck almost in half.  And I must smile and be grateful I have a job?!  Forces smile, tries desperately to keep hopes up and know things will all work out….but begins to look for other options.  And now that I cannot pay all my bills on this reduced income I have to perpetuate a false hope with an ex who I adore as a friend but with whom I will not build my future.  I don’t like that feeling, I no longer wear it snug as gloves as I once lived.  My life today does not tolerate anything but honesty, with myself and those around me.  So this is not boding well.  However I live in the solution and not in the problem. I must downsize in order to keep my self-respect.  Not a bad option, just hope the lower rent does not include lower standards of safety too.  I am trying not to build this resentment against the company for putting me in this position with the loss of bonus.  There is no try just do.  So I keep doing the fabulous job that I always do, but my eyes are open for other opportunities.

And now to the exercise, of which I have done little to none for the past week.  Not happy with myself about that.  Still lacking some sort of motivation to keep moving once I get home.  Maybe the solution is in the sentence.  Don’t come home at first.  Stop and walk before I get here.  Change at work and don’t come home til it is done.  Now that is a thought.  Won’t be tempted to veg in front of TV if there is no TV.  And taking the stairs up and down at work.  Everything is a step in the right direction, pun completely intended.

So maybe said rut is not so bad after all.  I am blessed in so many ways.  At least I have the option to look for a job and to move my ass of my own volition.  I am not bound by my circumstances due to my addiction, not forced to accept anything less than what is the best option for me.  I may not be where I want to be right now but I am far from where I was.  And I even got a compliment today that I looked like I had lost some inches.  Yes, the plural of inch, inches.  Made my day I must admit.  So now let me really make that happen, and not just because I quit wearing baggy clothes.    We shall see.

For now at least my new plan to not come home until I exercise begins!  Love how therapeutic blogging is!

Progress not perfection

After my last post I began exercising daily.  Not kick my ass type workouts as yet, but my internet was down and the only DVD  I found that worked was the “You on a Diet” workout.  I started at Beginner’s then did Intermediate for the next few days.  I broke a small sweat each time, not gonna lie.  I think they are about 15-20 minutes each.  But my goal of doing something each day has been met and is on a good roll…Yay!  Next week 30 minutes a day…or more.

While the U-verse was out (thank you so much AT&T),  I found that I accomplished a lot.  Did a ton of step work, straightened up the house a bit more, got out and really did things and went to bed at 10 pm and not 11.  Woke up early and was not pissed about it.   That is a miracle in and of itself.  It’s not that I am not a morning person, I just hate to wake up 1 ininute earlier than necessary.  And the outage got me to wondering how much time do I really waste in a day?  Most television watching can turn from needed down time into just lazin’ on the couch for hours.  And I can really get into that, especially on a day full of frustration or self-pity.  And no calories are burned, usually more are consumed as it is much easier to snack whilst reclining zoned out than it is while on the go or focused and writing.  And the tube is very much a way for me to avoid working on me, getting all the steps worked and all the gunk in my head out and gone.

How to get out of the problem and into the solution? Limit myself to an hour’s worth of TV on weeknights, and TV off by 9.  Maybe wean myself down to that.  Wait, there is no try just do.  Ok – geesh, sometimes I hate this whole motivation thing but gotta learn to love it – limit TV to an hour and find something else productive to do.  Thinking more exercise, more meetings, more service and step work should fill the time.  So we’ll see how this goes….and, as usual, will report back to you all later with more details and dish..ciao for now!